Frank Explains Love

Posted by in Letters After R&R | 4 comments

Frank Explains Love

The poem Frank had written for me made me cry as I read it over and over.

I put the poem and his letter back into the envelope, I walked to the cedar chest at the end of our bed then placed the letter into a white box which was inside it.

After shutting the lid on the cedar chest, I set propped up with some pillows on our bed then wrote him a letter.

This white box inside the cedar chest which held all of the letters I had received from Frank while he was in Vietnam in 1971 would forty-seven years later be opened by me again only after it was revealed in a dream for me to look inside this cedar chest.  This white box of letters would become a priceless treasure full of letters of Frank’s eternal love for me.

In Frank’s next letter he is eating homemade cookies and talking seriously to me about love.  The box I mailed to him for his birthday held homemade cookies which he loved.

October 9, 1971

Dear Nancy,

I bet you don’t know just how good these cookies taste, do you?  Well, let an expert tell you.  They taste delicious.  I have been eating them this morning and I’m about to finish them up. I guess you’re wondering why I’m writing so much.  Well, between guard duty, CQ, and my day off (today), I’ve had a lot of time to myself and I can’t think of anyone who I would rather spend my time with. 

I’m sitting here with some water boiling in an old coffee can for my OD green coffee (instant) and eating cookies and smoking. I wrote my folks and your folks the other night on CQ after I wrote you.

Hey you.  I love you.  I hope that you know how sincere my love for you is.  I also hope you know how true and devoted my love for you is.  It’s really hard to explain my feelings for you, Darling.  What I think it amounts to is I have turned all my feelings, emotions, and mind to you and this is all yours now.  You have made a gift of all these things to me also. 

We give all the feelings or love to each other reluctantly at first and each one of us held back a little of ourselves because we were afraid to completely trust each other with the greatest gift one person can give another.  Slowly we began to see that this gift we were partially giving was also being offered in return.

So, little by little we started giving a little more and a little more because we found that we were trustworthy and that we also got the same amount back.  Now, we are over the cautious period and we both pour everything that we have into our love and this is what really makes our love have the beauty it now has.  We were cheating each other but in the back of our minds we had to be sure and by gosh now I have no doubts and I never will again. 

I knew all along how much you really loved me but I was afraid to be totally open to you.  I knew you doubted me and now I can see where you would.  I never showed my love in the ways I should, I never spoke of love to you, and in all, I treated you rather bad.

This separation has been hell but from my viewpoint, I really am glad it happened.  It woke in me the feelings I had been trying to hide and not let take over me completely.  It has made me realize that I love you more than anything in this world.  It made me realize that I’m so very lucky.  It has made me realize just how important it is for me to show exactly what I feel and tell you what’s in my heart and what I feel for you.

I use to think if I showed you how I really felt you would take advantage of me and think of me less of a man.  I thought you would think I was weak and not as a man should be.  I know now that a man can be open and show his feelings and still be a strong man and respected too. You haven’t treated me any different, quite the contrary, now you are more open and I feel you love me more than ever. 

So, I made my mistake and I hope you’ll forgive “my” stupid maleness that possessed me for so long.  I will admit that the way I acted was the part of a fool and thank God, I realized my mistake and corrected it before I broke your heart or hurt you any more than I already had.

Our life is beautiful now because we both are open in our love and above all, we are honest and truthful with each other.  Now that I see how wonderful our love now is, I can’t see how I could have been so blind for so long.  I guess it’s just that I was never mature.  I feel now that we both have reached more maturity and oh how beautiful it is!

I explain all this to you because I feel you understand me better than anyone else.  I want you to understand that you have everything I have and it’s all yours and always will be.  I want you to know that nothing is being held back from you or will it ever be. In other words, I love you, my Darling with a love greater than any man could ever love a woman.

When I get home you’ll never find another more devoted husband, lover, and father.  Yes, father.  We are going to have a kid.  With a love as great and wonderful, it’s impossible not to.  I’m serious.  We are there now.  We are both being totally open and truly in love and we will never part again.  I feel now God will give us a child.  So that’s all there is to it.

Darling, I’m going to close for now.  I want you to understand that anything you want from me is yours.  I will do anything in my power for you and all I want back is your love.  God bless you my Darling and keep happy because you can bet when I get home, I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world. 

My life is devoted to making you happy and secure.  Take care of yourself and pray for me and our love as I do.

All My Love for You and You Alone,

Frank

Every time I looked into Frank’s beautiful amber eyes, I could see how much he loved me and I know he knew how much I loved him.

I think the letter above has one of the best messages about love in the marriage of two people.  We fall in love and in the beginning, there is a true passion for one another then we start the daily adjustment to each other’s habits, mood, and thoughts.  Next comes the battle of learning to really give and take with each other which is the blending of two individuals in becoming one.

Trusting, understanding, being open, and forgiving each other in marriage are so necessary.  No one wants to have their heart broken by the one they truly love but without true trust, openness, understanding, and forgiveness in a marriage or a relationship you can never truly open your heart to one another.

Once you totally open up your heart to each other your love will soar into a beautiful dimension without boundaries and you will become one heart and soul entwined together as one strong thread.

Frank and I really loved each other from the very beginning but we loved each other so much that we were afraid to totally be vulnerable to each other for fear of being heartbroken. Being totally reliable on each other away from all family had bound Frank and me together quickly an had already begun the steady trust in each other.

Frank was so right, the separation we were going through quickly broke down all our walls of fear of being totally open with each other.

Extraordinary circumstances of war and separation crashed our walls down to dust instantly and both of us openly threw our emotions out to each other through letters and cassette tapes.  We realized that it really didn’t matter if our hearts got broken because we had to let each other know how deeply we loved each other.

What I am trying to tell you is, openly speak your love to your spouse or significant other.  A hug and a kiss are awesome but the spoken words, “I love you”, “I need you”, are priceless.  What are you waiting for?  It’s never too late.  Do it now.

Frank carried a piece of paper in his billfold at all times.  This piece of paper had a beautiful saying on it.

If you love something, you will not be afraid to set it free.

If it comes back, it is yours.

If not, it was never meant to be.

I believe if you love somebody, don’t be afraid to tell them.  If they don’t reciprocate your love, then they were not your person but your person is out there looking for you.  Go find them.

The next letter Frank wrote is very confusing for me.  I do not have any letters between the above letter dated October 10, 1971, until this letter dated October 15, 1971.

Frank had been so happy in his last few letters which is why this letter is confusing to me.  I do not know if he was upset with himself for not writing for a few days or just upset again about not getting a drop.  I am sure that others who had received the drops are leaving which was a continual loss of close friends.  Also, he was very worried and thinking about our future once he was out of the Army.

I just do not know.

October 15, 1971

Dear Nancy,

Well, I guess by now you realize how much of an ass you married.  I guess I’m just crazy.  I don’t really know what’s wrong with me at all. 

I just have trouble believing that everything is going to work out so fine.  I know it is but I just don’t want to believe it because I’m afraid if I do it won’t work.  I’m really mixed up.

If you can just put up with me for 92 more days then I think I’ll be ok.  These last few months are really dragging me down.  I keep thinking about getting a job, going back to school, and all the other stuff.  I think and worry about these things because I don’t want to fail.

I keep wondering if I can do it.  I want to so much.  I want to do everything right so you’ll be proud of me and trust in me.  I’m looking forward to it because it’s a test of my abilities. in my ability to take care of you and raise and care for our family.

Also, I’m kind of scared of failure too.  I have always enjoyed a test, the chance to compete, and I’m usually fairly confident in myself.  Yet, I have never entered a competition as strong as this.  All I’m asking of you is your confidence in me and to stand by me with all the love you have.  I’ll do the rest.

When I get these feelings sometimes I don’t really know.  One minute, I have all the confidence in the world, the next I don’t have any.  I’m like I said before, mixed up.  That’s why I feel the week or two we spend up there alone and completely by ourselves will do us both so much good. 

We can completely relax and let all this tension and built up pressures out by strictly being at ease and being completely happy.  Pretty soon you can actually forget how it is to feel depressed and lonely.  Loneliness has to be the worst feeling in the entire human feeing system.  I don’t ever want to feel lonely again.

Right now, I’m putting everything else aside and just looking for enough ahead to see getting out and spending two weeks with you by ourselves.  Then we can make our plans and decide on what we’re going to do.  We’ll have plenty of time to sit down and talk.  I picture us sitting side by side by a small creek or stream or even on the side of a hill and talking for hours. 

I’m sorry, I’m such a bore and I’m so damned weird Honey.  I know it’s asking a lot to put up with me but that’s exactly what I’m doing, is asking you to stay by me and my foolishness for 92 more days and then I’ll try to explain my feeling and try in some way to make things up to you if I can.

I love you and no matter how stupid I seem, my love for you isn’t.  You’re the only thing in this world that means anything to me any more.  I can’t make it without you and that beautiful love of yours.  I’m sorry once again.

God bless you, my Darling and keep you safe for me.  I love you, Darling.

All my Love is Yours,

Frank

P.S. Could you kick me in the butt?

When I decided to write this Memoir, the above letter was the deciding factor in where this Memoir would end.  Originally, I had decided to end it with the last letter I received from Frank from Vietnam but this letter spoke to me.  Frank was so worried about what he would do after getting out of the Army and since I knew what extraordinary things that he actually did after his discharge from the Army, the Memoir could not end with the letters.

There was one thing that I knew for sure and that was whatever Frank decided to do, I would always be so proud of him, standing by his side, holding his hand tightly in mine, and loving him with all of my heart.  He owned my heart and soul and still does.

Don’t forget to speak your love openly whether you are a man or a woman.

 

<<<<< Love Letters from the Heart  |

 

 

 

4 Comments

  1. Nancy that was Beautiful! Well told, right from the Heart! I love what you are doing! I think it truly is important to get this out to the world of people to understand the communication that can accelerate love from the heart.

    • Thank you so much, Helen. It is so wonderful to have reconnected with you at Stewarts. We will get together soon. You are an awesome person and friend.
      Frank was such a deep thinking person.
      Thank you for your beautiful words of encouragement and commenting.
      God Bless you, Helen.
      Love,
      Nancy

  2. WOW!!!!! ……. just….WOW!

    • Thank you so much Kim. I am humbled by your comment. You have definitely warmed my heart.
      God Bless you.
      Love
      Nancy

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *