Come on Nancy

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I have been posting letters from Frank, letting you read what he had written to me.

These letters contain his emotions and things he was doing in Vietnam but I have not said much about my everyday life during this time in our lives or my emotions.

After a little thought, I decided that it needs to be included, so everyone knows how it was for faithful spouses holding down the home front while their husbands were in Vietnam.

Our little white house in Van Vleck, Texas was my fortress and safety barrier from others.  After leaving our home to go to work on the weekdays, once work was over I could not wait to get home.   Fear of not being by our home phone or at the house if something happened to Frank was overwhelming.  I did not even like for the phone to ring at our little white house because of the fear of who might be calling.

At our little white house, I could see and touch his things which gave me so much comfort.  When going to my folk’s or Frank’s folk’s homes, I knew that the Army had their phone numbers and would get in touch with them if something happened to Frank.  Remember we did not have cell phones to take with us everywhere to make a call you had to use a non-portable phone which was plugged into a wall phone outlet.

Frank says in his letters many times that he is concerned about me eating right, being depressed, and crying.  He knew me so well and knew that when I was upset that there was a tendency for me not to eat.  After telling me in Okinawa that he was going to Vietnam, I had lost nearly fifteen pounds before we left for the states.

All of my close friends from Van Vleck were away at school.  Everyone knew everybody in Van Vleck and the gossip train ran swiftly through town.  Many people would come up to me asking about Frank and telling me they hoped he made it home.  This was a nice jester on their part but also a constant reminder of my greatest fear of losing him.

On Sundays, I went to church and sat with either my folk’s or Frank’s.  Seeing young married couples sitting around me who were together, had babies, and happy was wonderful but made me miss Frank, even more, causing more tears and depression.  A lot of the time it felt as if I was in the twilight zone with my life put on hold.  By the end of March of 1971, I weighed only 112 lbs, so Frank’s concerns were warranted.

Sewing, cross-stitching, and crocheting while listening to our music on the reel to reel was part of my weekend nights favorite things to do.  I did not have a TV which was really a true blessing.

I loved Frank so much and never even thought about another man ever being in my life.  We were one heart and soul inseparable for eternity.  My only confidant was Frank.   It made him so feel so upset, depressed, and worthless when I wrote to him about my depression, fears, and loneliness, that sometimes my only confidants were our animals and God.

In the following letter, Frank tries to straighten me out and I desperately needed it.  True love means helping each other through tough times and sometimes with tough love.

April 4, 1971

Dear Nancy,

I got off guard duty this morning and this afternoon when I checked mail, I got my first letter in 3 days and boy were you down in the dumps.  Well, this tended to piss me off.  I’ve got two letters sitting on my locker I wrote to you but they were written after guard duty in the mornings.  They were depressing and I didn’t mail them because I knew they would make you depressed.

You said you felt so sad on Sundays because you see other families together.  At least you see families.  I feel the same way 7 days a week 30 days a month.  I don’t even see families or friends.  But I don’t give a damn about families or friends all I care about is seeing you. I hope they’re happy.  I’m not but why should I begrudge anyone else’s happiness?

Hell, I’ll be happier than all of them if my wife can take it for another 9 months and 12 days.  I know what it is to be happy and I’m willing to face whatever amount of time I have left to enjoy that happiness.  What’s the matter?  Having trouble deciding whether the price is worth paying? It’s going to have to be this way until I get out.  There are no two ways about it.  There’s nothing you or I can do to change this. 

You should know this.  You can cry and moan all you want but 12 months is 12 months.  It’s going to pass. Time won’t stop or speed up for anyone. It all boils down to the fact that if you think it’s really worth it. Whether or not you can stand being lonely and missing me for 9 months.  If your love is strong enough to survive.  If you don’t love me enough to wait and be strong for 12 months then our marriage isn’t worth a damn.  Is it?

I know it’s hard and you get lonely but you think I don’t?  You think I don’t need your strength just as you need mine?  Are you giving me strength by moaning about being lonely? Hell, I know you’re lonely but be strong girl, and let me know that you’ll make it. 

If you love me as much as you say you do, you can make it. Throw yourself into something.  Your work, church work, knitting, or anything that’ll get me off your mind. I’m sorry I’m such a burden on you.  I feel guilty because you get so depressed.  Why should I feel guilty because you love me?  Because it’s hurting you so.

Baby, there’s nothing I can do from here but write to you and try and help you out but there’s nothing physical I can do.  I can’t hold you and tell you everything is all right.  I can’t take you in my arms and tell you that you’re safe and loved.  All these things have to wait till I get home. I’m sorry I’m over here and not by your side but what can I do?  I’m not over here cause I want to be. 

You know my love for you is the strongest thing that I have.  All I ask is that you remember that and know inside that time will pass and soon we’ll be together again.  When that time comes no one will ever separate us again. I’m sorry if I was a bit harsh but I haven’t said anything that I didn’t feel. 

You’ve got to look up and see how lucky we are.  I thank God for what I have.  Just love me and think of how much I love you and think of how it was and will be, not how it’s not right now.

I love you, Nancy and I care for your emotions and feelings.  That’s why your letters sometimes worry me.  If I didn’t love you I wouldn’t care enough to try and straighten you out and your problems.

God bless you, my wife.

Your Husband,

Frank

Ouch! I didn’t even get a P.S. on that letter.  That was some tough love.  We were both beginning to feel the tremendous stress and loneliness.  We were now going past the longest time that we had ever been separated.  When Frank went to Okinawa we were only separated for three months but we were able to actually talk to each other by shortwave radio through a long distance call but not now.

The next letter was written by Frank the next day.

April 4, 1971

Dear Lou,

Well, hello my most beautiful wife.  How’s the most wonderful woman in the world?  Mad at me?  I hope not.  I’m beginning to wonder.  During the last 5 days, I’ve gotten one letter from you.

What’s the matter?  Honey if you’re upset or mad with me, please please let me know.  Write and bitch me out or anything.  Darling, I can’t stand not knowing what’s going on back there.  If I’ve done something wrong then let me know don’t just forget me.

I love you and when I don’t hear from you I get worried.  My mind runs away.  I can imagine all sorts of things happening.  I can feel that I shouldn’t write this because I feel you have a good reason for not writing.  You don’t have to write me a long letter, just a few lines telling me you’re ok and that would stop my worrying about you so much.  

I‘m so concerned about you.  I want you to be all right and safe.  I don’t want you to be worried are upset.  I love you too much to have you sick with worry or anything.  If you’ve got problems, write me and let’s work them out together.  My only problem is that I miss you so much and I can hardly wait to get back to you my, Darling. 

Well, now some news.  We had our first baseball game yesterday.  We played the beggars.  I was 4 for 4.  That means I got 4 hits at 4 times at bat.  I got a double, a homer, and 2 singles.  Also, old fat me stole third and home.  Of course, I was wearing cutoffs when I slid into 3rd and home so now I have no skin on my leg from the knee down but we won 15 to 5.  It makes the time go by really fast.  And the faster it goes by the faster I make it back to you.  That’s the most important thing in my life. 

I’m enclosing a picture of ugly me freckles and all.  On the 31st of March, it was 124º in the shade.  It isn’t even Summer yet.  I’m going to melt about June or July  The old fat ought to melt right off. The old months are just rolling by.  We’ve only got 285 days left.  Every morning brings us closer together. 

What’s the matter, Nancy?  Pour it out to me.  I can’t promise a solution to every problem but I’ll try my best.  Don’t keep it bottled up inside.  Share it with me.  It’s my problem too.  Remember we’re a team and a team must work together.

You’ve always been a strong and brave girl.  You’ve shown this in the responsibilities you’ve taken since I’ve been gone.  It should be getting easier.  I know it’s tough but I have faith in you and I know you can make it.  Have a little faith in yourself.  You know deep down that we’ll make it.  That’s the word, we.  We’ve both got to make it. 

You’re not fighting this fight alone.  You’re fighting on your end and I’m fighting almost the same battle on this end.  I have no doubt who’s going to be victorious.  “With God with us who can be against us?”  Keep this in mind. It’s kind of hard to communicate through these letters because by the time you get this you may be out of the mood you’re in and possibly you’re out of it by now. 

It takes so long to get a letter to you and get a reply back.  But pretty soon my messages will be whispered in your ears and the reply will take only seconds.  Or you’ll read my messages in my eyes as I’ll be able to read yours.   Just smile and face it, Darling.  It’ll pass and all will be beautiful again. 

Don’t worry about if that day is coming, just be patient.  That keeps me going.  The knowing that no matter how low I feel today tomorrow will come and the next and the next.  It’ll end.  You know it will, so take each day as it comes then just remember, that our day is coming and what a day that will be.  

Know that I love you and nothing can change that love so what’s there to worry about?

Your Loving Husband,

Frank

P.S. I love you very much my Darling

Remember Frank had received a letter from me on April 3 but he was so used to getting a letter every day.

April 5, 1971.

Dearest Nancy,

Shocked?  Three letters in three days!!!  Well, I don’t really know why either, just that I want to talk to you.  I have no idea of what to say or how to say it.  Nothing’s happened since yesterday except now we only have 284 days instead of 285.  Other than that it’s been the same old dreary hot day.

I don’t know how to say this but I have a feeling something is wrong.  Maybe I’m just crazy or something.  I’ve had this feeling all week.  I sense that something is going wrong between us.  Not on this end.  I feel as if you don’t love me as you did or something.  I’m going out of my mind.  I haven’t gotten a letter in almost a week and the mail’s been coming in. I try to reassure myself and tell myself that she loves me more than anything but it seems I’m fighting a losing battle. 

I pray to God that you’re not sick and not telling me because it might worry me but I feel someone would have told me.  My folks or someone.  No one has written to me for a long time. If there is something wrong then for god’s sake tell me.  Over here I’m so helpless to do anything.  Your letters are the only thing that keep me informed of you and what you’re thinking, how you’re feeling, and what you think of me. 

I believe the reason I feel this way is because I have no faith in myself.  I know that there’s a reason for all of this.  Deep down inside I want to believe there is but damn it, I just don’t know. What in the hell is the matter with me?  I know you love me just as much as I love you.  So why do I feel this way?  I need your reassurance Darling. 

Don’t get me wrong.  I don’t doubt you, I doubt my ability to hold someone like you.  I can’t believe that you could love a person like me.  To love someone as I love you and to have them love me back isn’t feasible.  That’s why I have doubts and get this way sometimes. I shouldn’t have written this and I apologize for it already but it’s the way I feel now and I want you to know what I feel.  It’s stupid and idiotic.  I guess I’ll get out of it sooner or later but till then I’ll just be miserable. 

I know you look to me for strength and now I must sound like a baby but I’m not.  These things are between a man deeply in love and separated from his love and his love, not babies. Have you ever felt this way before?  I’d really like to know.  I want you to look to me for strength and reassurance.  I also need someone for my strength.  And now I’m looking to you.  Don’t scratch this off as foolishness, I’m serious. 

My emotions get out of hand too quickly over here.  I’m not begging of pleading just take this letter and get mad and chew me out or sit down and write me and try and explain all these things that have been bugging me.  Just do something. Well, tomorrow is another day and maybe I’ll see things straight again. 

I’m not going to be able to send you a card for Easter.  This damned PX didn’t get any.  I’m sorry Honey but I hope you’ll understand.  Just because I don’t get a card doesn’t mean I’m not thinking of you.  I hope you have a “Happy Easter”. I love you so very much. 

I know you’re probably mad at me now but these things I couldn’t keep inside any longer.  So, I think you understand.  You always have understood me when I go crazy.  There’s only one thing I know and that is that I love you with all my being and I always will.  You’re the only thing I got in this world and I treasure you.  You’re way up there above everything else and no one else can touch you but me.

Honey, I’ve got to close for now.  I’m getting all messed up.  Take care of yourself and let me know.  Ok?

Your faithful loving Husband,

Frank

P.S.  Faithful and loving yes but maybe a bit touched in the head.  HA! HA!  I love you!!!

Was I writing?

April 6, 1971

Dear Nancy,

What a stupid ass I am.  What’s wrong with me?  I’m so mad at myself I can hardly stand it.  If you don’t want to write me ever again I understand. You shouldn’t even talk to me ever again. I mean it.  You don’t deserve a sorry bastard like me.  What in the hell makes you love me?  After a letter like I wrote last night, I’d tell me to go to hell.  I don’t blame you if you do. I’m so sorry.  I’ve never been so sorry for anything in my life. 

I knew it, damn it I knew it but I couldn’t stop myself. Today, I got a card from you and two letters.  I knew that when I mailed that letter I’d get all the letters from you.  I won’t try and explain my stupidity to you because you know me and you know how stupid I am.

One thing good came out of it.  I’ll never feel that way again.  I just hope you can find room in your heart to forgive me.  I was so damn depressed.  I offer no excuses for my rash action.  There is no excuse for something like that.  I just offer my apologies.  Just believe in me and know that I’m so very sorry for what I did. 

God knows I love you and don’t want to do anything to hurt you or make you feel bad toward me. I too get lonely and depressed and I too need you to help me through my bad times.  Now I realize just how much I need you and worship you.  You’re my everything.  I love you so much, Nancy.  Please, I beg of you don’t be upset with me.  Don’t get upset over something that you and I both know I didn’t mean.

Well, Honey, it’s almost 12:00 p.m. and 6:00 a.m. comes early so I’d better close for now and get a little sleep.  I love you, my most dearest thing in life and I want you to love me if you can still forgive me for my faults.

May God keep you safe for me and keep our love as strong as it has been.

Your Loving Husband,

Frank

P.S.  Believe me when I say I’m very very sorry for any worry or any upsetness I have caused.

P.S.P.S.  California Dreaming.  How about you?

The slow process of corresponding through letters between Frank and I plus him being in a place where the mail could not easily reach him had caused him to panic.  Frank knew I loved him more than life itself but he had a hard time controlling his thoughts at times.

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