Loneliness and depression are emotions that can be controlled for short periods of time then they can hit so deeply that they can send you spiraling into a deep pit. Knowing how to handle loneliness and depression requires lots of willpower and personal strength.
Frank and I were truly in love, truly devoted to each other, and really knew each other. We knew exactly how to help each other out of these emotions. The only problem was the time it took letters to reach each other, but at times, our deep connection to each other would have us feel each other’s feelings, and a letter would arrive instantly. I call this God’s Mail.
Because of Frank’s security clearance with the ASA, he was living on a compound which was heavily guarded by Marines. As he said in one of his letters they had a curfew of times, they could actually leave that compound to go to the Px and other places on the base at Phu Bai, but even then they had to have a Marine go with them. Supposedly there was a bounty on their heads.
Frank was a Morse code interceptor. He worked twelve-hour shifts in a closely guarded building on the compound. He wore headsets listening for chatter among enemy troops, recognizing who they were by their call signals, where they were located, tracking their movements, recording this information, and giving this information to the person in charge. The information was then relayed to others for interpretation and trilateration to send in airpower or other means of help for ground troops.
Frank also listened to, recognized, and tracked the movement of American troops. Frank was very good at his job, and he took it very seriously, he was extremely smart. And God had gifted him with a photographic memory. He knew when our troops were in serious immediate trouble and made it loudly clear to those above him that they needed to act immediately and not wait for a chain of command. Of course, this got him tossed out of the control room and sent back to his living quarters a few times, which made Frank feel helpless to help those soldiers.
After working twelve hours a day, thirty days straight, they pulled guard duty on their compound perimeter. The downtime for Frank was the hardest thing for him because his mind never stopped working and he would think about what he heard in those headsets, feel helpless to help, and worry about me home alone. All of these things led him to have terrible loneliness that would cause him to get depressed.
Remember, as you read these letters that Frank and I are twenty-one years old.
Dear Lou,
Well, how’s the old wife today? I hope she’s just great. I’m sorry I haven’t written in the past few days, but I’ve been so depressed. I’d rather not write you when I’m that way because it drags you down into that mood with me. I’ve been in the dumps because sometimes that mood strikes. It’s brought on by loneliness and boredom.
I miss you so bad sometimes that I can’t even think straight. You’re my everything. Without you, I’m lost. I love you so very much. Nancy, what can I say? I just love you so much that it makes me feel sad at times and at other times it makes me feel so damn good. When I feel bad or sad, it’s because I need you with me so much.
Then I realize I’m only dreaming, and then I look on the bright side of our love and realize how good it is. Even though we’re separated our love for one another is so strong, and you must realize it keeps growing. I love you, my wife.
Lee just walked in, and he’s raising hell because the coffee isn’t made yet. Well, he’s a little drunk, but that’s the way he usually is anyway. He’s now threatening me with a bottle of something because I’m writing about him. Well, now that he’s out of the mood to knock me over the head, I’ll try to finish.
Well, here I am again after getting another U.S. ARMY pen. That other one ran out of ink. I love you very much you beautiful thing you. Thank you for the beautiful letters you’ve sent. If you write a bad letter, you always explain in the next one why you did it. You’re perfect.
You wrote one time that I still loved you and took you as you were even though you aren’t perfect. Well, when you married me, you were perfect, and you’ve made our life beautiful for both you and I. So, don’t ever think that you weren’t perfect. You were perfect, and you still are and always will be perfect to me.
So what else could be greater? I love you, Nancy, because you’re you. You don’t try to be anyone else, just yourself. I love you for yourself. I love Nancy Lou Henderson and not an imitation or an imposter. Thanks for being my wife and loving me.
Your Loving Hubby,
Frank
P.S. If I seem crazy it’s probably because I am. Crazy in love with you, and I enjoy being crazy.
Since we married, I had always cut Frank’s hair. Well, I was not in Vietnam to cut his hair. It seems that he didn’t trust others to cut his hair.
As you may remember from a chapter in Love Letters from the Heart called A Roller Coaster of Emotions , Frank was promised a promotion to Sp5 before we left Okinawa but then it “conveniently” got lost in the paperwork which meant we had to sell all of our furniture, pay to ship some of our things home, and pay for my ticket home. Frank would not forget this.
Dear Nancy,
Hi, Beautiful. How’s my wonderful wife today? I’m sorry I haven’t written in the past two days. I have no excuse, except for my dumbness. I’ve been really down and man and everything else you can think of.
They put me in for Sp5. I went in and told the trick-chief that I didn’t want to go up. He put me up anyway. He then told me to get a haircut and then trim my sideburns, or he’d pull my recommendation for Sp5. I told him to go ahead. He didn’t.
Three days later I got a trim around the ears and neck. None came off the sides or top. The day after he said to get a haircut, and I said, “I did just yesterday.” So, he said to get one that showed I’d gotten a haircut.
That afternoon after lunch, I went into his office and said, “I want my recommendation for Sp5 pulled.” He asked why so I told him I didn’t have a chance in hell of making it because my pro-pay score and plus I don’t give a _ _ _ _! He still wouldn’t pull it.
So, I went up. First thing, the president of the board said was that I didn’t starch my fatigues. Well, right off, I said to myself, this guy is a real fox. I didn’t study or shine my boots or anything else. Damnit, I didn’t want to go up, but they made me, and I am so tired of being made to do something I don’t want to do.
I’m sorry I’m burdening my problems on you, but you’re the only one who knows how this kind of stuff burns me up. That’s why I always come to you because you give me the strength I need. I’ve been in the dumps about it, and also I haven’t gotten any mail in two days because they use our mail planes sometimes for this Laos thing. Today, I got three letters. Two from you and one from Gram. I read yours, and now I’m back on my feet again.
Darling, you asked about a washing machine for our anniversary. That’s a good idea. You need one, and you deserve one. I want you to have one. I just wish I was there to give it to you. Thanks for making it my decision. You’re the most perfect wife.
I love you, Nancy. You make me so proud to be your husband. How can I express myself? I love you. That’s all I can say. That’s all I really need to say. You know how much I love you and need you. That’s something that doesn’t need explaining. It’s something you have to feel to know, and I know you feel it.
Sometimes we feel we have problems but our petty problems when compared to other’s, aren’t even problems. I’m so proud of you and of us. We’re in love. I mean truly in love and our marriage is the ideal marriage. Knowing these things makes me the happiest man in the world, and I want you to be the happiest woman.
I truly love you, Nancy. No other man could love a woman as I love you. God bless you.
Your Loving Husband,
Frank
P.S. These horns are bothering me. HA.
There are blank spaces in the above letter. They were not put in by me to hide his word but by him in his letter. While Frank was in Basic Training, I wrote him a letter about cussing in letters to me must mean that he did not respect me. After he received that letter, he never used cuss words to me again, other than damn or damn-it. If I had asked him not to use those words, he would not have used them either.
Frank asked me in an earlier letter if I would like him to send me something from over there. Evidently, in this next letter, I did ask him to send me something. He tried, but it didn’t work out well, which upset him. Frank wanted me to have anything I wanted. After receiving the following letter and realizing that I had put undue stress on Frank, I never asked again.
Dearest Wife,
How’s my wife today? I got the Easter Basket today and thanks whole bunches for sending it to me. I’m going to wait until Easter to eat the goodies if I can keep my roommates (vultures) away from it.
You asked me if I’d send you something. Well, I tried today to get some order blanks to order something for you, but they didn’t have them. I’m sorry, Honey. Your anniversary gift my get there a little late because it takes over three weeks to get there. I’ve been scrounging and saving my money to get you a gift, and now I have to wait till I can get an order blank. Damn this Army!
Please, don’t be disappointed. I’m trying, I really am. We’re isolated here. The only way I can get you anything from over here is through the PX. So be patient with me. I love you, and when I can, I’ll send things to you. Let me do it for you.
I know it seems unfair because I ask you for things when I need them. I like surprising you so just sit tight and wait. I don’t have much money left over, so it takes a while to get it together. I hope you understand this, but I know how you think and feel so I got a pretty good idea what you want, and you’ll get it too. But won’t it be better to go to the post office and see it there instead of knowing it’s coming? Good. I love you, and thanks for understanding.
You asked about a picture. Well, about the only thing I can get is a snapshot. I’m going to buy some film payday and borrow Lee’s camera. I’ll shoot up the roll and send it to you. Ok?
Hey, youngun, how about a tape of your sweet voice? I’m trying to make you one but the recorder won’t record now. I got some on it then had to go back to work, and now the record button won’t go down. I’m going to take it to a friend of mine that works in a workshop, and maybe he can fix it.
I Love You So Much!! Are you taking care of yourself? Eating right and getting plenty of sleep? You’d better get plenty of sleep now cause there won’t be any sleeping when I get there. HA! HA!
Nancy, Nancy, Nancy, Nancy, Nancy, Nancy. I feel so warm inside when I write that name. It really makes me feel so beautifully in love. I need you to be with me my, Darling. I couldn’t love you anymore. Soon we’ll be one again, and we’ll kiss away each other’s tears and fears.
Until that day, be strong and keep loving me, as I’ll always keep loving you. You’re needed to be my wife and the mother of my children. No one else will ever do.
All My Love to My Darling,
Frank
P.S. My woman, I love you.
Getting this letter made me feel like the most loved and treasured woman in the world. Frank was openly expressing his love for me, and it was so beautiful. The separation was only making our love grow deeper.
Dear Wife,
Well, this has to be a shortie cause the kid has got guard duty for the next three days. I just got off work and got guard duty at 4:00 p.m. So your most dearest hubby decided to write to you today while I still got a chance. So here he is !!!
I got the letter today about the cat. Good God, woman where am I going to sleep? Instead of pictures of the cat, how about a picture of you? Preferably in the nude. HA! HA! I shouldn’t have said that it just makes me hornier if that’s possible.
I’m glad to hear about Cathy. You’re right. It’s great to have close friends such as them. I can’t wait to get to the old house and get to visit them. But more than that I can’t wait to get my freckled arms around you.
I love you so much, Nancy. I pray every night that you’ll still love me when I get home. I’ll love you forever.
Well, I’d best close so I can go eat, get my gun, pack my bag, and catch the truck out to our position. Take care, my Darling and remember, this guy’s in love with you.
Your Hubby,
Frank (alias dimples)
P.S. I really miss you!
This is the last letter I received in March of 1971 from Frank, and he sounded good with a little bit of humor.
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That was a good up-beat letter to end this chapter with. Frank’s letters are filled with so much emotion, something most men do everything they can to hide. I don’t know where this idea came from that men should not show emotion. It’s crazy. I understand their emotions are different than a woman’s and are expressed differently, but my goodness, to keep emotions bottled up is not good for man or woman. It probably saved Frank from becoming more deeply depressed than some of the soldiers. God truly blessed you with Frank and blessed Frank with you.
Thank you so much Diane. Frank never thought he could express him self with pen on paper but thinking he did an Amazing job. Even reading now, I feel his tremendous love for me coming through from each letter.Hard to believe he was writing these things at 21 years old.
God Bless You and thank you so much for reading and commenting.
Love Nancy
Like Frank I often had run ins with tbe higher ups. Makes me smile to think of his rebellion against the haircut and the monkey on a stick crap of a promotion board. Being surrounded by security allowed the “careerists”the opportunity to play those Mickey Mouse games instead of letting proficiency determine rank….. For his sake Im glad you learned how to communicate in ways that didn’t overly (impossible to completely do it) upset him. It must have also done wonders for you also
Thank you, Kim. Yes, Frank was beginning to rebel a little. I would fail miserably at times writing to him about the emotions I was feeling but it was because he was my only confidant. I hated when I was weak and upset him. He wanted me to confide in him but his helplessness to help me overwhelmed him plus the length of time it took for our letters to reach each other.
His fear was losing me and my fear was losing him but our love for each other never wavered but became ever stronger.
Thank you for reading and commenting.
God Bless You, Kim
Nancy
Hi Nancy,
Crazy stuff to be dealing with at age 21. He was so lucky to have you back home waiting for him, engaging him, giving him something to hold onto.
Much love,
Mary Rae
Thank you, MaryRae. Frank was a strong loving man and had a strong belief in God along with right and wrong. As with all of us the gray areas of right and wrong we face in life are the hardest to deal with.
He decided to make a statement to them but was given his rank change because they knew his value to them.
As I type now, I reread his letters and realize he vould have written them at age 47. His thoughts and beliefs never changed. He was gifted by God with an old soul.
Thank you for reading and commenting.
God Bless You, MaryRae.
Love Nancy
What a lovely chapter of a beautiful and undying love between two young people. Thanks so much, Nancy, for sharing these most intimate moments between a husband and his wife. In addition to his love, Frank expressed his feelings in their many dimensions: his depression, loneliness and sometimes anger at things when they did not go his way. There was, however, that common thread of love interwoven throughout. You shared an honest snippet of your lives then, unembellished and not sugar-coated.
You did not tell us much about the kitty-cat, though. I suppose s/he kept you company, and both you and Frank enjoyed the kitty’s filling a space in your heart till hubby came home again.
Loved this!
—KiKi
Thank you so much, Kiki. Yes, this is all an unembellished account of our love. frank’s letters are full of every kind of emotion that a person can feel. I wish that everyone could see these letters because the handwriting really shows his different moods.
We actually had three kittens, Candy, Homer, and Kitty. Of course, they all slept on our bed beside me while Frank was in Vietnam. They were all unique and had different personalities. They would curl up next to me while I wrote a letter to Frank every night. I don’t know what I would have done without them.
When deciding to share our lives and these letters, I decided to share them honestly, unembellished, and as they are because this is a true love story and a true look at marriage with all of its trials, sacrifices, total commitment, and devoted faithful love. Frank and I were not special but we were determined to totally commit to our love. I really believe that all marriages can achieve this same kind of love.
Thank you for reading and commenting.
God Bless You,
Nancy