Ups and Downs and Poetry

Posted in Vietnam Letters | 4 comments

Frank had decided to quit smoking on March 1, 1971, while he was in Vietnam.

There is a movie called “Cold Turkey” from 1969.  It is about a town whose citizens all decided to quit smoking and the emotions that they went through.  If you haven’t watched it, you will want to do that.  It is really funny.

Thinking, if you are twenty-one years old, have been married for nearly three years, have been separated from your wife for two months who you are used to being intimate with, are suffering from loneliness with off and on depression, and you are in Vietnam during a war, it was probably not a great choice of a  time to try to quit smoking “Cold Turkey”.

Frank gave it a good try but in his next letter, you can read and I can see in his handwriting just how much his emotions were up, down, and all over the place.

March 1, 1971

Dear Lou,

I love you, Nancy!  I got a letter from you today.  And yesterday I got a big poster.  It had my name on it but inside it was addressed to an angel and I know that wouldn’t belong to me.  Thanks so much for it I really enjoyed it.

STOP worrying about me. When you worry then it makes me worry about your worrying.  So stop worrying about me, I’ll live to be the father of 16 kids and 46 grandkids.  We’ll still be making the bed squeak when were 105 at least.  You say you change your mind about being my wife?  Joke. HA! HA!  Guess where I got the HA! HA!’s?  You had best stop telling me you need to have my arms around you and press you to me.  WOW!!!!

No, seriously, I love to hear it.  It lets me know you still need me and want me for strength and security.  Sometimes even though I trust you completely, I get an insecure feeling.  Everyone does sooner or later.  Don’t deny you never have.  It doesn’t mean I love you any less or trust you any less but when you’re alone and very depressed it just creeps in and then you can’t shake it out.

Don’t let that upset you.  The fact that sometimes I feel insecure about your strength, desire, and love doesn’t mean that I don’t believe in you.  I still believe that you wouldn’t do anything like that ever.  Do you understand what I’m trying to say? This is why I hate to write letters.  I can’t explain it and I’m so afraid I’ll say something that you’ll not understand my meaning and get your temper up or your feelings hurt. 

These insecure moments have nothing to do with my love for you, my faith in you, or your ability as a faithful wife.  These thoughts can’t be helped or stopped. Just forget it you won’t understand what I mean.  I get so damn frustrated with myself.  I try to write everything just so-so.  I think of everything, or I try to think of everything that can be taken both ways and reword it or change it in some manner that won’t be taken but the right way. 

I’m so tired of it.  I love you, you know that.  You also should know that I’m not going to say anything bad to you.  Don’t you?  So, I’m going to just write and not stop and think of how to say something.  I’m just going to let my pen just keep rolling on from my heart to my hand.  Would that be satisfactory with you?  This way I can say what’s in my heart without losing some of it in translation.  Good!  I feel like we’ve really accomplished something.

How many times can I thank you?  I want to thank you for the letters and boxes and everything every time I write.  You know how much a letter means.   I can see that love and feel closer to it.  It makes me really warm inside.  It makes me feel lucky.  We’ve got something really good and every ounce of my strength, mind, and body will go into making this great thing last for an eternity.

You, have any problems or gripes at me?  If you do I’d like to hear them so I can see what I can do about straightening it out.  If there are things about me you don’t like or didn’t like about me how about letting me know so I can straighten it out before I come home to you.  Ok.  I’m serious.  I want to be perfect for you.

Did you quit smoking today?  I did.  I did it because you were doing it and I know we can do it together.  I love you so much.  I wouldn’t ever do anything in the world to hurt you, I promise.  Just love me and you know I’ll love you. Forgive my nonsense and dumbness at times but that’s part of me.  I love you for what you are and I want just like you are.

All My Love,

Frank

P.S.  Smile

P.S.P.S.  Oh!  I’m Horney

P.S.P.S.P.S.  I spelled horny wrong but I’m Horney too.  I love YOU!!!

Well, that was an emotional letter and knowing him so well, I can actually hear him saying each word to me as he paced around a room.  When he wrote me letters, he was actually talking to me as if I was sitting in the room with him.

In the next letter, Frank included some poems that he said expressed his feelings for me. I will include one of them.  He cut these poems out of the Stars and Stripes which was a newspaper the military put out while Frank was in Vietnam.

March 3, 1971

Dear Lou, 

Well, how’s today been?  I hope fine.  Well, nothing exciting has happened.  So there is really nothing to say except I love you more than yesterday if that is possible.  

You know what I had to do by myself?  Cut my toenails.  Where were you when I needed you? HA! HA!

Do you still love me?  Sure you do or you wouldn’t say such beautiful things to me.  Your letters mean the world to me.  I go off by myself to read them so I can feel all the good things you say soak into my mind.  You’re wonderful to write to me every day.  I get two letters every other day if the mail gets here.

They’ve been shooting down our mail planes, so sometimes I don’t get all your letters.  But, I know you write me faithfully every day.  You’re about the only wife that does.  I’m so proud to have you for my wife.  I’m going to start numbering my letters so you’ll know if you get them all. I miss you so much, Darling. 

I’m sending you some poems out of the Stars & Stripes that I hope will let you know how I feel.  I love you so much.  You’ve got my heart and soul and whatever else you want from me.  I promise you all my love for as long as you want it.  I don’t have a lot to give you as far as material things but I’ll give you plenty of love.

TIME

Time is too slow for those who wait,

Too swift for those who fear,

Too long for those who grieve,

Too short for those who rejoice,

But for those who love – time is Eternity.

Submitted By

Spec. 5 Daniel C. Anderson, 1st Cav. Div.

God just to see you again.  Well, it’ll come.  And when it comes will it be great.  Oh, I’m going nuts.  Not really, I’m alright but I miss you terribly.  I can’t spell at all.

Do me a favor play “Unchained Melody” for me.  Listen to the words and think of me.  That’s the way I feel.  Go play it now, please.  You back yet?  Makes you lonely now doesn’t it?  It tears me up.  I get so mad I want to fight.  I feel all this tension and pressure in my belly and wow. I’m so glad I got so much to live for. 

Well had best close before I get too sentimental.  You know I love you so much. Good night and sleep well.  God is watching over you for me.  Love me like you always have.  Till I see you again smack.  (That was a kiss)

All My Love Forever,

Frank

P.S.  Tell those rotten animals to not sleep on my side of the bed.   FTA

Of course, I went and listened to “Unchained Melody” on our reel to reel, cried, and wanted him home.  That night I put on one of his shirts that still had a faint scent of him, curled up in our bed, wrote him a letter then hugged his pillow tightly, prayed, and cried until I fell asleep.

March 6, 1971

Dear Mrs. Me,

Hello, How’s it feel to be getting short?  We’re starting to get there.  Most scratchie we’ll be there.  Just a little over 300 days and I’ll have the most desirable, beautiful, and loving woman in the entire world in my arms again.

I know life with me so far has been bad.  I know you’ve had to do without a lot of things you’ve needed and wanted.  You’ve not complained or ate me out because of the situations I’ve put us in.  You’ve taken it all and were willing to take more if you had to.  If you’ve stuck by me through that then I rest assured that you love me very strongly.

You’re on your own now, so anything you want or need I want you to have.  You don’t have me to drag you down and spend your money, so if you need or want a new dress, shoes, purse or anything just go out and get it and don’t feel guilty about it because that’s what I want you to do.  I understand.

I don’t want you to do without.  You’ve done without so much already.  It’s about time you had some of the things you’ve always wanted.  I mean it.  If I come home and you don’t have any new clothes or some of the thing you’ve always wanted you’d better do some fast running.  (But not too fast because I do want to catch you.)  That was my dirty old man-self taking over.

I got a letter from you today and you asked if I’d mind if you put a rinse on your hair.  Like I’ve always told you, it’s your hair and what you want is fine.  But if you’re not going to frost it again, I’d like to see it naturally when I get home for a little while.  That’s how I picture you.

I tried to quit smoking.  I quit for a day but I got so jumpy and upset, I started again.  This place isn’t the place for me to quit.  At least for now.  I’m sorry.

Would it put us in a bind if I didn’t send but $50 home next month?  Lee wants to borrow $200 until July.  I told him I’d have to check with you first because it was our money.  So if you can’t make the car payment and other expenses just let me know.  Ok?

I’m lonely for you, Nancy.  I want you with me.  When I get you with me again you can bet I won’t ever let you go.  I love you something fierce.  I know you.  I think I know everything about you.  And I know you’re mine.  I’m not taking advantage of that love of yours for me.  I never will.  It’s something to be cherished and really appreciated.  You can bet I do.

We’ve had many tender moments together and I know we’ll have many more.  These tender moments when we look at each other or hold each other close or kiss goodnight are the strength that keeps the fires of love burning strongly. The memory of these tender feelings is what keeps the fires going now. 

Hell’s fire couldn’t be any hotter, brighter, or as big as the love fire I have burning in my heart for you.  Nothing could ever extinguish this fire.  I love you my Darling.

Your Loving Husband,

Frank

P.S. Goodnight and my God keep you safe for me.

Wow, how do I write anything that could possibly add to his letters?

Frank asked me to listen to “Unchained Melody”, in his second letter above,  so I am adding it for you all to listen to.

While you are listening to this song, close your eyes, and imagine being separated by thousands of miles and an ocean from the person you love with all of your heart and soul who is also in a war zone.  This is the only way for me to explain that kind of emotion.

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4 Comments

  1. Another great example of Frank’s deep love. I never enjoyed the popular music when I was growing up and after, but Unchained Melody was a song I did really like. Not sure who sang it, but what I remember is not the version you have here. I believe it was a woman singing it. But for some reason that song got my attention. (There is an interesting site about the writer of the lyrics here https://www.dansher.com/unchained/unchained.html) There were one or two others, but very few I liked. My choice was classical, even as a teenager. It was good that music meant so much to both you and Frank. There is something healing and fulfilling in music that can release the emotions like most other things cannot do. Thank you for sharing these letters. God bless.

    • You are so welcome Diane. I will look up who wrote that song. It was Frank and my favorite. He mentions it again in this next chapter. Frank loved music and he knew all of the words and singers.
      Thank you for the information and for reading and commenting.
      God Bless You, Diane,
      Nancy

  2. Just remembered that it was Jane Morgan who I remember singing Unchained Melody. I don’t know how that came back to me. Wonder of wonders. 🙂

    • Thank you, Diane. I will look her up and listen to it by her.
      God Bless you,
      Nancy

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