I Love You, Frank

Finally, we were in communication with each other. Of course, it would be a slow process, but it was the best we had.

I would not know Frank received my letters until sometime after the 15th of February, but we kept writing. We both had so many questions about what was going on with each other.

Frank wrote a letter many days before Valentine’s Day, asking his folks to buy flowers and candy for me. Days before Valentine’s Day, I had mailed his Valentine’s Card and sent a box full of things for him to munch on. Because we knew how long the mail took to reach each other, we knew to mail special items very early.

That being said, Frank received his Valentine’s Day letter a few days early.

February 10, 1971, 22:00

Dearest Wife,

Wonderful! That’s the way I feel toward you. Thanks so very much for the wonderful Valentine’s card. I got it today, and I want you to know that no one ever gave me something more inspiring or wonderful, and that meant so much in my entire life. I love the hell out of you. Let me repeat it to you.

It’s wonderful to be in love

with you from day today

and no one else in all the world

could make me feel this way.

and more and more I realize

You’ve made my dreams come true.

It’s wonderful to be in love with someone dear as you.

That’s the most beautiful thing I think I’ve ever heard. Darling, I love you so much. It may be late, but Happy Valentine’s to you, my Dearest Wife. Thanks for giving me more love and understanding than I deserve.

Did you get the flowers? I couldn’t send them from here because you don’t live on a named street or have a house number. I couldn’t send a card because our PX didn’t have any. Our PX and everything else is the last on the line to get things, and everyone else gets them 1st.

So, I’m sorry I didn’t have a card. I pray you will understand. You can bet I was thinking of you. May you have a Beautiful Valentine’s. I know it’s lonesome. But pretty soon, the loneliness will become happiness. This, I promise you.

Don’t think I don’t need you because I do. Even though you’re miles away, I depend on you. Your letters give me the strength to face each day, and they always perk me up. It means so much to see mail for me. I always smile and get all warm inside. I can actually feel your love in those wonderful letters.

You’re wonderful; you know that. I also pray for you each night. I also pray to God to give me the power to love you as you deserve. That’s a lot because you deserve so much. I love you!

Be good and take care. It’s time for me to crash because 6:00 a.m. comes early. I love you, my Darling very, very much.

Your Loving Husband,

Frank

P.S. I miss you so damn bad. I love you, Nancy.

After the above letter was folded for the envelope, Frank wrote “I Love You” on it before inserting it into the envelope. The first thing I saw after opening the envelope then pulling the letter out was “I Love You,” which makes this such as special letter every time I take it out to reread it.

The next letter is very personal and sensitive, but I include it because it was part of what happened in our lives during our year of separation. When deciding to share these letters, I decided to share all of the letters, even those of the most sensitive nature. I believe it is important to not hold back on the struggles we went through during our marriage and to share our love story completely. The biggest part of marriage is loving each other and handling the struggles you will face together. Frank and I only trusted and confided our deepest feelings to each other, and being separated did not change that. The only thing that was changed was the ability to hold each other tightly through the hurtful things and be able to talk to each other at that very moment. This Memoir is a true love story between Frank and me dealing with everything that affected us during our lives to leave out any of our struggles would not be telling the whole story.

We had never used birth control, but we had yet conceived a child. Frank and I did not even think about that fact while he was on leave for forty-five days in the states before he deployed to Vietnam, but instead, we concentrated on loving and holding each other.

Early in February, after realizing it had been over two months since I had a monthly period, I wrote to Frank that I might be carrying his child. He was so excited about that possibility, and I was too. The thought of actually having a tiny life inside me that was a part of him while he was so far away made me feel as if a part of him was still with me.

Around the middle of February, I started spotting, and it nearly devasted me. Through my tears, disappointment, and heartache, I needed to confide in my true love and confidant, Frank. Fighting with my emotions and tears, I wrote him a letter to let him know that we were not going to have a baby. I totally blamed myself, which upset Frank, and the fact that he was not by my side to comfort me bother him even more, which sent him into depression.

This was the first hint to me that I would have to be careful about letting him know if I was depressed or upset about anything. Frank wanted to know how I was feeling at all times, but he could not handle not being with me to hold me through the tough moments. Knowing how much I loved him, needed him not to be depressed, and helpless in his worry about me, I began to see that I would have to be careful when writing to him and try to share only happy thoughts with him even if they had to be written as tears ran down my cheeks. I would fail miserably at times, trying to do this.

In hindsight, the stressful emotions of being separated from Frank, the agonizing fear of him being killed in Vietnam, not eating right, losing lots of weight, and getting little sleep had probably affected my monthly cycle, but at the time, I did not think so.

After a Doctor’s visit a month later, this would get even more upsetting and confusing, then it will eventually hurt us even more.

In the next letter, Frank scratched out part of what he had to say but not enough that I could not read it. I will include the part he scratched out of his letter in parentheses.

February 13, 1971, 21:40

My Most Dearest Love,

First, let me say thank you so very much for the wonderful packages you sent me. Thanks for being there when I needed you. I got them today, and it lifted my spirits. I love you so very much.

(Let me explain about Phu Bai. It really does tend to get a person down. I hate it, can’t stand it, and I haven’t been here a month yet. I am so damn depressed and lonely.)

Forget about the above, and it was only the fact that I was so and still am so lonely and depressed. Sometimes I forget to count my blessings, and then I get depressed. I miss you, and I’m miserable without you, my Darling. God, I never thought I’d ever need someone as much as I need you.

I got your letter yesterday about the baby, and that did it. I got drunk last night, and you know, it didn’t help one bit. I didn’t get drunk because I was disappointed but because you felt as though you were to blame. Sure, I want a child just as bad as you do, but I don’t blame anyone for the fact we haven’t had one. If God wanted us to have kids, it would have happened. We’ll have children don’t worry, just be patient.

I laid outside tonight by myself and did some heavy thinking, and I found peace inside just looking up at the stars and thinking of us. God, I love you so much. When will this be done and finished? How long are 9 months and 2 days or 11 months and 2 days? This is the reason that I sometimes don’t write. Sometimes I feel that I have an eternity left. So, I don’t want to write, and by so doing, depress you. The last thing I want is for you to have to worry about me. You have enough worries of your own.

Tonight, I felt I should write, or you may worry more if you didn’t hear from me. I’ll get over it, and it’ll pass. I know sometimes you feel the same way. Sometimes you feel you just can’t go on. Then other times you feel happy, and you know soon it’ll end any depression and once again, life will be wonderful. So, don’t worry about me because you know I wouldn’t want you to and also you know I’ll get over it.

They say love conquers all. We got a damn good chance then because no love is stronger than ours. I love you more than anything. No words can express my love for you and the ache in my heart when I’m without you. My God bless you and keep you safe for me.

Your Loving Husband,

Frank

P.S. Goodnight, my Darling. Next time I say that will be to your face. Remember, I love you, Darling.

Frank and I only trusted each other and God with our deepest feelings. We were searching for a way to help and support each other through our deepest emotions and separation, but the delay in our letters getting to each other was not a help.

The next letter Frank started one day then began again and

finished it the next day.

February 16, 1971

Dear Wife,

How’s the love of my life doing? Great I hope. Know what? I got the boxes you sent to me.

Well, here goes again. Today is the 17th at 10:00 a.m. in the morning. I tried to write yesterday but I couldn’t. I get so flustered trying to explain my love to you. I just can’t seem to convey my feelings to a dumb sheet of paper. If I’m rushed, I can’t write a good letter, and I feel like I’m cheating you. If there are people around, I can’t write because I need quiet and peace to write to you.

Well, today I’m on break, and I just got up, so it’s a wonderful day. When I write to you, I feel as though you are very close. Darling, I love you so much. I got two letters yesterday, and as usual, they were beautiful. Thanks so much for writing. I get so tingling inside when I go to the mailroom and see a letter in my box.

I’m glad you got a sewing machine, but I had one all picked out for you in the Pacific Exchange Book. I was going to surprise you with it as soon as I saved up the money for it. But I’m glad you went ahead and got one.

Don’t worry about me. Ok? I’m fine except for being so lonely. But loneliness is part of being in love and being separated from the one you love.

Some bad news, there isn’t going to be any drops for at least 5 months maybe longer, so it looks like it’s going to be a year here. I shouldn’t have told you about the possibilities of getting one. I warned you not to get excited and expect it. After spending 9 months apart, another 2 months won’t hurt much because the price I’m paying is well worth what I’m buying. I’m purchasing years of happiness, love, devotion, and eternal bliss for the small price of 11 more months.

I’m very happy to hear time is going fast for you. Hey! Have you been checking out the things you want to do and see in California? Well, that’s about all I’ve been thinking of. A second Honeymoon. Sounds great. Last night I had a dream of you again.

I keep having the same one over and over. I see your face for the 1st time, and I really feel everything I’ve ever felt in my heart and mind rush into my whole body. No longer do I feel it deep down inside, now I feel it on the surface. All the things I dream of and think of I’ll be able to see. See it right there in front of me. I’ll feel such a rush of all my emotions to my outside. I may yell, scream, cry, or just hold my mouth open like a fool. But that feeling will be the happiest thing I’ve ever felt.

To feel you again in my arms and to feel your face on my shoulder and to be able to lock my arms around you and feel you safely in my grasp. What a feeling. I love you so dearly. I hear other men talking about they haven’t heard from their wives for days or weeks, and I feel so good inside. I know you’re writing to me every chance you get. I don’t worry about you not being in love with me. Your letters tell me that this is true. I believe in you and know you.

I feel so lucky to be loved by you. Your love is my strength. I live each day for you. I really appreciate your being dependent on me when you and I are so far away from each other. I get a feeling of being useless to you while I’m over here, and to know you still like to have my opinion and depend on my opinion before you do something is a feeling of being needed.

You know how to make me feel like a man. I hope I can make you feel like a woman. Every person needs to find their identity, and I’ve really found mine. Mine is to be a husband and provider to you. I’ve found that, and I’m going to pursue that identity with everything I’ve got in my power to use. I know I’m not much at being a provider over here, but it’ll be made up to you, I promise.

To be near you again. What an experience. You know what? I love you very, very much. I feel so lucky to have you. I really do. I wish every man to be able to find what I’ve found and have as full of a life as I’ve had. I’m very satisfied. I want for nothing else besides you and your devotion and love. What else is there in life? Whatever else there is, if it doesn’t include you and me, I don’t need it.

What else can I say? I love you, my Darling. God bless you and keep you safe for me.

Your Devoted Husband,

Frank

P.S. How many kids you want?

Frank hated our separation, but he was trying to adjust to it. I could tell in his handwriting that he was very disappointed in the possibility of not getting an early drop. I also know that other husbands telling him they had not heard from their wives for days or weeks made him proud of me but also concerned him that my letters might get further apart, but Frank had no need for concern I was his wife, and he was my heart and soul.

The thing that I see which bothers me the most now is he writes in several letters that he is paying some price by being in Vietnam for our eternal happiness. God knew Frank’s heart and soul, I knew Frank’s heart and soul, and God, and I knew that Frank owed nothing because of the beautiful soul and heart inside him. God and I loved this man.

<<<<< Love Letters from the Heart | Next chapter >>>>>

Visits: 974

4 Comments

Diane Stephenson September 15, 2018

What can I say? These are very beautiful letters and I feel privileged that you are sharing these intimate conversations with us. I continue to be amazed that a man as young as Frank was then could express himself so fully. God certainly blessed you with such a husband, and He also blessed Frank with just the wife he needed. You were a team. You were one. And that is beautiful, more than many people can testify to after more years of marriage than you had at that time. God bless you, Nancy, as you continue to share and eventually put your book together.

Reply
- Nancy Henderson September 15, 2018
  
  Thank you so much Diane. This was a hard one for me to post. I struggled with it because of it’s truly intimenance of our struggles to have a child but that is also a part of our love story and quite possibly part of the reason God has compelled me to write our story. Marriage has struggles but when there is commitment and true love those struggles can be overcome.
  After praying about this post. I went back to the typewriter and finished it. God truly wants me to be totally open while I write our story. I still don’t know His purpose for these books but that is not for me to know.
  Please keep me in your prayers and God Bless You,
  Nancy
Diane Stephenson September 16, 2018

I will do that. God bless.

Reply
- Nancy Henderson September 16, 2018
  
  Thank you so much Diane.
  God Bless You,
  Nancy