Back to Missing Him

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Back to Missing Him

Our two weeks together had come to an end and Frank had returned to Vietnam.

There is really no way to explain the feeling of having had Frank home for two weeks, having to tell him goodbye again, then knowing it would be six months before seeing him, talking to him, and holding him in my arms again.  The best words I have to explain this feeling would be,  “Feeling like your heart had been torn in half”.

Our love for each other had grown stronger with every day we were apart the first six months and we knew that we were connected in more than letters.  Our hearts and souls had connected in a magical way which let us feel each other’s thoughts as they actually happen.

While Frank was home, I told him all about what the Doctor had said and the tests that I had done at the hospital in Wharton.  I had a test to check to see if I had a blockage in my fallopian tubes that would prevent ovulation from happening. Frank’s Mom had gone with me for this test.  This test was done without anesthesia.  A tube was inserted into my uterus and a dye was pumped into the fallopian tubes while X-rays were taken to see if the dye went through the tubes and passed into the uterine cavity.

This test is called a hysterosalpingography or (HSG).  It was a very painful test causing cramping during and after with a feeling of nausea and dizziness. The Doctor talked to me constantly during the test telling me when to breathe and trying to help me relax.  He told me that childbirth would not be any worse than this test and years later that would prove to be true.

The test showed that there was not any blockage in my fallopian tubes which gave Frank and I a lot of hope in trying to have a child.  The Doctor also told me that the test might just help with fertility.  Of course, I did not know that Frank would be coming home on an R&R.  When he surprised me by coming home, we decided while he was home on R&R, it just might be our time to conceive a child.

The next letter I received from Frank was started one day then finished on the next.  We were in the process of waiting for letters to arrive again.  Of course, Frank had letters waiting for him when he arrived back to Phu Bai but they were written by me before he surprised me by coming home on R&R.

August 5- 6 1971

Dear Nancy,

Good Morning Honey.  Yeah, I’m writing this letter at 11:00 am in the morning.  I’m off today.  This time I had only twenty-one days accrued toward a break.  I tried making you a tape but I couldn’t get the microphone to work.

Honey, I don’t know if we’ll be able to meet in California or not.  We’ve heard some word that they are closing Oakland down and that now everyone is going through Ft. Lewis, Washington.  I don’t know if this is true or not but we should find out in the next couple of months.  If we can’t meet in California, I want you to tell me where you would like to go instead.  Or if you want, we could just meet in Houston and live in a hotel for a while and see Houston.  It’s up to you.

Hey, I love you, Nancy.  You still love me, don’t you?  I hope you do because I love you so very much Nancy.  My whole world is built around you and only you.  Honey, I’m going to close now and go check my mail and see if I got a letter from you, so I can answer some of your more recent questions.  See you in about thirty minutes.  Don’t go away.

I’m back a day later but I’m back.  I’m sorry it’s taking me so long to finish this letter but I was so down after getting no mail yesterday for the fourth day in a row that I just couldn’t write.  I’m sorry but I hope you’ll understand.

Hey you, you still love me?  You’d better cause I’m not letting you go, no matter what.  So what do you think about that?  I hope it’s alright because if it’s not then tough luck.  I’m afraid you’re stuck with me no matter what, so you might as well get to like it.

Honey, I have to close for now because it’s 1:00 am in the morning and I have to get up soon, so please, please take care of yourself and keep loving me as you do now.  God bless you, my love, and take care of you for me. 

Your Faithful, Loving, and Devoted Husband,

Frank

I really hated reading a letter from Frank saying he was not receiving my letters because it always ended up with him doubting in his mind my love for him.  I loved him with all of my heart and he knew that but when the mail was slow he would fall into the trap of doubt.

After being two weeks late for mother nature to come for a visit, I wrote Frank a letter telling him that we just might have succeeded in conceiving a child.

August 8, 1971

Dear Lou,

Hello, my Darling.  I hope this day finds you well and in good health, only maybe a little fatter.  Your health and well being are most important to me.  If I know your well and feeling fine then that’s less to worry me.  So promise you’ll take care of yourself and get enough rest and eat right too.  That’s an order from the chief.  You’re all I got Honey and I won’t permit you to be sick.  But I do need a little help from you, so I’m asking you, please.

I got the cigarette maker today and thanks very much.  Just in time too, the PX only has Salem and you know how I feel about cigarettes.  Darling, you make me so very happy and proud of you.  You do everything you can to take care of me.  Thank you for being my wife.  I love you, Nancy.

Honey, I have to confide in you about this baby thing.  All along I’ve not wanted to give you a hint that I’m really excited because if it doesn’t turn out I don’t want you hurt or disappointed.  I know how much a child means to you and believe me it means very much to me too.

Anyway, I’ve tried to hide my excitement and anxiety for your sake.  It’s almost like lying to you.  I can’t do it anymore.  I’m making myself miserable as Hades.  So now I’m going to level with you.  I still don’t want you to feel that you’ve let me down or I’m upset about it if it doesn’t work out the way we feel.  I won’t be.  I’ll be a bit disappointed but that’s to be expected.  So please don’t be so down if it doesn’t work out.  OK?

Well okay, here goes.  First off, I too feel you’re pregnant.  Maybe it’s because I want to feel this way because I want you to be.  Anyway, I really do feel you are.  I don’t know why.  It’s something I couldn’t put my finger on but I still feel it.  I’m almost afraid to believe it because I’m afraid if I do and I really want something, I won’t get it.

I want to be able to say to myself that yes, yes, yes, it’s true.  It’s happening. You promise to tell me as soon as you know either way?  Please.  Once again I want you to promise me you’ll take it like I know you should and you know you should and I promise you, I’ll take it like, I should.

Nancy, since I’ve been home and come back through your letters, you seem more grown up and mature than you ever were.  I too seem more mature, to myself that is.  Maybe we’re growing up together and maturing with one another.  The funny thing is that when something matures it’s supposed to get old and worn.  Our love has done nothing but grown and get stronger. 

I wonder if our love for one another will ever reach a limit where it stops getting better and stronger?  I really can’t see that day ever coming.  How can something that is so alive and beautiful ever get stale and dormant?  Not possible, huh? I don’t think so either so I just hope my poor old full heart can take it without bursting apart.  

Well, I have to close cause it’s going on 10:00 pm and I got a big bad 12 hours tonight.  God bless you my Darling because I love you so very much.  Good night my love and dream of our life to come.

All my Love for you, my Wife, 

Frank 

P.S. Keep making those booties.  We’ll use them someday.

I am so glad that I have this letter to share with you all.  Frank loved children and I knew this.  I also knew that he wanted a child as much as I did.  What Frank did not like was that I would cry heartbroken and blame myself when it ended up I was not pregnant.  Frank loved me so much and did not ever want to see me cry or be heartbroken.  So to keep from showing me his disappointment, he would put his feelings aside and try really hard to act like it did not matter to him, but I knew.

We knew everything about each other.  Couples who love each other and are connected so deeply by heart and soul can not help but know how each other feel about everything.  We wanted to share our love with a child and teach that child what love was really about.

At the risk of getting in serious trouble, Frank wrote his next letter to me while he was at work.

August 13, 1971

Dear Lou,

Good morning my love.  How’s my wife today?  I hope she’s loving me as much as I’m loving her.

Honey, I’m sorry, I haven’t written for a couple of days but they’ve been working our _ _ _ es off.  I’m writing this at work at 5:00 am in the morning, so it has to be short.

I feel bad about not being able to write but I hope you know that I’ll write when I can.  We’re really short of people and as I said, they’re working us almost around the clock.

They gave out ETS (Expiration Term of Service) drops of thirty days.  So, I went running down to see if I got one.  I was really excited when I heard they were but as usual, I struck out.  They were for September, October, and November.  I haven’t given up yet.  I plan on being home by Christmas, one way or the other.  Now if I can only convince the Army of that.

Well, I’d better close before I get caught not working again.  Please take care of yourself and keep loving me as you always have.  God bless you and keep you safe for me.

All My Love,

Frank

God has a season and a time to every purpose under Heaven.  It was not our season or time to have a child.  Mother nature decided to pay me a visit three weeks late and I tearfully wrote Frank a letter to let him know that I was not pregnant.  It was a very hard letter to write because I knew in my heart how disappointed he would be.

I had not received Frank’s letter from August the 8th yet but the very day he wrote the letter telling me how he really felt about having a child, mother nature came to pay me a visit and I wrote a letter telling him we were not having a baby.

Frank received the letter I wrote to him about not being pregnant on the same day I received his letter telling me how much he wanted a child.  In two different places, miles apart from each other, we were both getting letters revealing deep feelings.  It was not a good day for either one of us but God was with us.

In my letter, I told Frank that I thought that the if we wanted to be parents, we needed to check into adoption.  We had been married over three years and I thought that God wanted us to be loving parents of an adopted child who would be ours and needed to know the kind of love God had put in our hearts.

The adoption process would take a long time and it could take us years to adopt a child, so the process would need to be started as soon as we could.  It was also very expensive with lots of paperwork.

The writing in Frank’s next letter is not good.  He is visibly upset in his writing and just by looking at the letter you can see the deep emotions and feel them.

August 14, 1971

Dear Nancy,

Dear Nancy again.  Why?  Because you’re so dear to me.  That’s why.  You know, I received three letters from you today and I read them in order and the last one was when you found out that you weren’t pregnant. You said you started your period.

You wanted to ask me a question that you said was very important.  You were right.  It is very important and I really appreciated your asking me.  It’s important to me too.   I want you to go to the Methodist Home in Waco when you can and see what the requirements for adopting a baby will be.  I want to know because if I can’t give you a child naturally, I’ll do everything in my power to give you an adopted child.  I’ll be more than happy to.  

Honey, I know how much a family means to you and I’m sure you understand just how much it means to me, so let’s have our first child now.  You know I’ll love an adopted child as much as our own.  So, please find out and I’ll send my whole paycheck home or anything, I promise.  You want to start our family now and you want to adopt a child so that’s fine with me.  Let’s do it, Honey.

Darling, I’m sorry this happened the way it did.  I was afraid that we’d both be disappointed if it didn’t happen but we both should have known but dreams happen.  So what, huh?  Good.  At least we know now for sure.  Right?  I’m just sorry you’re having the cramps so bad and are really having a bad time. I only wish I was there to comfort you and tell you everything was alright. 

I’m sorry I’m so far away and can’t be there.  I know that this letter may not be much comfort to you because it’ll be five days late when you get it and my words will be stale but I want you to know that I do care and am concerned about you. Darling, you are all I have and I want you to be ok. 

So check and see what the requirements are and we’ll adopt a child, I promise. You asked me not to fuss at you, just understand you.  Honey, you know I’ll understand when you’re really down and upset.  I understand, I really do.  How can I fuss at you over something that I’m so strong about?  Honey, I love you so much and understand you and I know exactly how you feel, so you know I’ll always understand you.

Don’t worry about me fussing at you because I know when you need sympathy and when you need fussing and I know you need my understanding now and I hope that I have provided it. Honey, just remember that no matter what happens, that I love you and  I’ll always love you forever and ever.  If you’ll just remember that and find strength in it then we’ll forever find peace and love and happiness.

God bless you and may he please protect you and keep you well till I’m physically able to do it for myself.  I love you, my Darling.

All my love, devotion, and understanding,

Frank

P.S.  Please let me know about the adoption process as soon as possible.

Frank was right when he wrote, “At least we know”.  This time it would not be a three-month to a four-month ordeal of waiting to find out.  God spared us that and we were grateful.  Frank and I were very strong individuals but together we had a strength that was unbeatable and unbreakable.

I wrote the Methodist Home in Waco for information on adoption and I sent Frank the information.  We knew this would not happen overnight but could possibly take years.

To everything, there is a season, and time to every purpose under Heaven…

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2 Comments

  1. Thanks for being so honest as you share these letters and your thoughts and memories of that time. It takes courage to do that. What an emotional time. And what a blessing that you were both able to express your feelings to each other. So often people keep these things hidden inside and begin to either withdraw or simmer. You both had a healthy outlet for your emotions and I’m sure that brought healing and peace. God bless you.

    • Diane, I think it is important for me to share our struggles to have a child. So many other couples share this same struggle. Frank tried so hard to keep me from being upset about it. When we were in Okinawa we did a lot of talking about having a child.
      When I think back on those times now when it was just the two of us, I realize that God gave us a true blessing of time to be with just each other.
      Thank you for reading and commenting.
      God Bless You, Diane.
      Love,
      Nancy

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